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Mon, Jun. 9th, 2008, 03:49 pm
My Life?

My Dearest Diary Who Is A Constant Companion And Never Makes Snarky Remarks Like Certain People Whose Names Start With A and X Yeah That's Right Xandessa I Know You Make Snarky Remarks Sometimes Don't Play All Innocent Miss I'm On My Deathbed and Mortally Wounded....

So, the bridge collapsed. Yeah, that was kind of a given, I'm surprised it didn't collapse sooner. We managed to save the king- when I say "we", I really mean... all of us. We all played a part in saving his life and hopefully saving other, innocent lives. Sedgewick kicked ass. Literally and figuratively. Horace didn't die, which was very impressive. Good for Horace! Xandessa stood on the bridge and fought like nine hundred black knights, all on her own. Ali jumped onto the bridge to protect the king from the black knights.

When I realized that they were going to flood the canal and wash away the bridge, my first thought was to run. Run away as far as possible- there are two innocent lives inside of me, I can't risk them. What could I, a tiny little pregnant woman with very few combat skills, do to save all of these people who were going to die? Nothing I could do would make a difference, so I might as well save my own ass, and the babies. Plus, if every member of Team Awesome died, then there would be no one to continue our God Quest and bring magic back to Lannet. So I wasn't being selfish by running away, I was trying to help the whole world!!

As I was trying to run like hell, I encountered Gareth Golden-Eye and his men! They were chasing BEAST MEN. Friggin' beast men. They were everywhere. So I somehow gathered up a small bandit of men standing around me, and we battled the beast men. Then I saw the King fall into the water. Stupidly, I dove in after him. Yeah. Six months pregnant, and I dove into the river to drag out the King of Kardia.

Unfortunately, the stupid king was being strangled by a black knight. F*cker wouldn't let go, either. As I arrive at the King, Ali jumped in off the bridge, after the moronic monarch. Somehow, in the dark and murky water, she handed me something, which I then jammed into the eyepiece of the black knight. If his balls weren't armored, I would have just kicked those. I like to go for the balls. In love and war.

Ali and I dragged the king back to shore. Everything else that happened was a complete blur. Some agents of the Church took the king to safety. I remember seeing Sedge fighting beast men and I tried to head over there to help. I heard a rumor from some of the men fighting alongside me that Sedge actually drank the blood of one of the Black Knights. I hope that's just a rumor, but lately Sedge has been acting so weird, it could be true for all I know. Although later he was licking this dark ichor off his hand that he said was Black Knight blood. Horace wouldn't let me try any. Party pooper. What's the worse that could happen?

Somehow we all ended up back at a Church of the Mother. Lady Gilvernese was there, as was her husband. It's a miracle they survived the collapse of the bridge and the bloodbath that followed. Xandessa was VERY badly hurt. Lord Gilvernese himself worked on her, and Horace did some magical hoopity-joo so that I could assist him. I was a doctor for a few hours!

I gave put my bracelet on the king, because one of the church people said that he had been poisoned. My arm started to tingle soon after, which got me pretty concerned. Horace lied to me and gave me a fake bracelet, and then he actually treated me for poisoning. The king disappeared, he had my bracelet on him, and I AM PISSED. MY DAMNED BRACELET WAS ON HIS DAMNED WRIST. MOTHERF*CKING MONARCH! ASSHOLES!

Okay, wow a lot happened. Long story short, the Lady Gilvernese has been telling people the king died, but he's not dead, he's just gravely injured. Hobson has Beaubie held captive! Beaubie's father is dead, as well as his older two brothers, which makes him the new Baron of Abernay. I'm a baroness!!!! Me, lowly born, daughter of a lousy cobber, Eriola Jade, is now Baroness of Abernay! Okay, I'm not offically baroness YET, we still have to be married, but SWEET.

I outrank Ali.

Oh! Then Hobson sent an emissary to meet with us. We left the church, sans Xandessa who is currently lying on her deathbed, being all wounded and shit We met with a relative of Lord Cock Roche, who is a cock (see what I did there?) Anyways. He was very polite and nice, and Hobson gave us all kinds of nice things. Pardons for the crimes which landed us in Xarltalca (not that I *really* did anything wrong, it was totally a crime of passion! I had a lousy lawyer.) , papers of comission for some of us, and an annulment and approved betrothal for me.

I suppose I should explain to you, Dear Diary Who Does Not Mock Me, why I need an annulment. Oh My, Eriola, you say, How Could One As Young and Virginal As You Have Been Married? Well, Dear Diary, I was married very, very young. To a wonderful man named Dalton Snall. He was a few years older than me (about twenty) and he was studying in Kardia City to be a doctor. I ran into him on the street and "accidentally" dropped the parcel I was carrying, and he helped me pick it up. We fell immediately in love, and were married a few days later in a small, private ceremony. Soon after, Dalton finished up his apprenticeship, and we moved to a very small town in Vernay. We were SO happy! I'd do the chores all day and cook and bake, while he tended to the ills in the small town. Oh, it was so idyllic and we were so in love and so very happy.
Then a few days passed, and it started to suck. Seriously, Dear Diary, living in a small town in the middle of nowhere BLOWS. First of all, unlike in the city where a woman can remain anonymous, it was VERY difficult to conduct my.. er... daytime affairs without Dalton's knowledge. I cannot tell you, Dear Diary, how many times I turned down sex because the only place to do it was in the woods. With all the animals watching!! The town was so small that I soon ran out of men to conduct dalliances with. I quickly grew bored.
Dalton, on the other hand, LOVED the wildnerness. Loved it a little too much. He began working on what he called his masterpiece, a list of ways for one to live a good and honest life. It hurt a little when I saw he had made a list called "what went wrong with Eriola". He began spending more and more time in the woods, and talking about Farawayia. There was an... incident.. where Dalton may have seen a man slipping away from the house after intercourse. Things kind of went downhill from there. Dalton decided that in order to better write his Snallish Principles, he had to live in the woods.. way out in the woods. And he decided that I should go with him. Asshole packed up my shit for me. So I went with him, and it SUCKED. Even more than the town. While there were very few things that were interested in town, there was NOTHING interesting in the damned woods. And Dalton just expected me to take care of him, cooking and cleaning and trying to keep house in a damned tent in the middle of a forest, so he could work on his stupid cult book.

So, Dear Diary, you understand why I did what I had to do. When Dalton went out on one of his "spiritual quests" to go bugger trees or whatever, I packed up my stuff (and most of his stuff) and left him a note saying "Kidnapped by pirates, be back later". And that was the last I ever saw of Dalton Snall.

I guess I just assumed he died out there. When people leave my life, I prefer to think of them as dead, it makes goodbyes easier. But it turns out that he's not dead, somehow, and apparently, I was still legally married to him. To think, all this time, I've been an adulteress. It would have been more fun if I had *known* I was cheating on my husband. Damn it.

So Hobson issued an annulment, which means I am no longer officially married! And approval of the betrothal, signed by the former baron and baroness of Abernay.

The weird part was, Hobson said we didn't need to give him anything in return. Of course, his signature is on every paper, which means that as long as he remains in power, the signature remains good. Very smart of him.

That's it for now, Dear Diary, for I grow hungry for Yellow Cake. Perhaps I shall write later of my Horrible Conundrum which is plaguing me. I must determine the path that my future will take. right now, the path is to Yellow Cake!

Mon, Jun. 9th, 2008, 03:49 pm


Mon, Apr. 14th, 2008, 11:35 am

Dearest Darling Diary,
So much has happened in the past few days, I am sorry that I have not had time to write. But I figure that since a bridge is going to collapse on my head in the next few minutes, I should update you in case I die.

Beaubie is alive! And we gave him an egg!!!! And he's doing sooo much better. He can talk! I'm afraid that he is still seriously stupid, however, because he kept saying that his mother and I would get along some day. (Luckily, that bitch is dead. More on that later.) I am so happy that my darling Beaubie will be all right. Except for his being held hostage by Hobson, that kind of sucks for him. But he's not a vegetable anymore! Hurray!

We made it to Kardia City. It was difficult and scary and there are these big guards dressed in all black armor who are using the magic hoopadijou. we had to run, split up, and avoid them at every turn. It's getting highly annoying. Running through the streets of Kardia, trying to be nonchalant while fleeing for one's life while carrying a basket of adorable puppies... it's difficult.

Oh! The puppies are doing well. My attempts to make Xandessa love one of them is not working so well, but we've been kind of busy trying to prevent a regicide, so bonding an angry woman with an adorable puppy will have to wait. But their eyes are open now and they look less like bizarre alien creatures from the depths of Ugly, and more... cute.

The Abernathy's kept us hostage, Sedge was accused of raping a girl, but it turns out it was okay, it was consensual, she just happened to be a very young slut.. ahhh, i remember being that age. She's knocked up, and her daddy's pissed. Lady Abernathy is a righteous bitch, and I was going to use all of my jewel belt to pay to have her assassinated, but that annoying problem seems to have cleared itself up. She kept us prisoner, even after I cured Beaubie! that bitch. Beaubie is a little momma's boy, which sucks because he thinks his mother is not the root of all evil, but I guess that's good because that means I'll be able to control him. He ended up helping us escape.

we thought Sedge was dead. Beaubie told us they dumped his body in the river. Turns out, Sedge wasn't dead, he just had a crossbow bolt lodged in his eye. Eww. It made me puke.

Oh, and Sedge is screwed up. Twice now, he's killed people with no reason. He wrung a homeless guy's neck out in the alleyway. It was messed up. And then he tries and pretends he has no clue what's going on. Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that.

oh, so on to the important stuff. The funeral procession is today. We decided that the attack would probably come at Queen's Cross Bridge. don't ask me why, it just seemed like a good name for a place to assassinate the king. Ali and I "fell" into the water to be rescued by a suspicious boat. And I suck at swimming, we both nearly drowned. It was the first time I was really afraid I'd die. I freakin' hate the water. Im moving back to the desert after all this is over. So we got pulled into the boat while the others patrolled around the bridge. the water level was suspiciously low, and then i realized their plan: they were going to wash the bridge away. Then the king started to cross the bridge, and of course, shit is going to hit the fan. It always does.

I really hope I don't drown. I don't think it's fair, to almost drown and then be saved, and then a few minutes later drown again. I mean, that just freakin' sucks. Horace has the puppies, so if I drown, at least the puppies will be safe. And Lucky, wherever the hell he is. I miss Lucky. I'm just sad that the babies will die along with me. Poor things.

Wed, Jan. 9th, 2008, 01:52 pm
"What about the babies?!"

Dearly Beloved Diary of Mine Whom I Love Very Much And Allows Me To Practise My Sorely Lacking Writing Skillz,

We disembarked from Captain Hagglund's ship. I was severely disappointed to discover that Smitty had already taken shore leave without saying goodbye. He did pause on his way out, though, to say "spot me a fiver?" Oh, that man, he is so wonderful, he lets me feel like a provider!
The only other ship in port had a NAME! Which meant it wasn't Kardian. The name was the Strait Jacket which Sedgewick took as an immediate sign as to what our next course of action should be. After Hagglund talked to the port authorities, he came back on board and told us of the news we had missed whilst at sea: Baron Kameron was dead. Oh. Crap. And Kameron's only son, [whose name escapes me at the moment, feel free to help me out with names and spellings in the comments] had perished in a tragic fire, which meant there was no longer a clear line of succession to the throne of Kardia. My thoughts immediately turned to the two parasites precious lives sucking the life from growing each day inside of me. [mood swings, I think.] Holy crap, could these babies be the future Kings of Kardia? HELL YES, BITCHES! I AM TEH MOST AWESOME REGENT EVER ALL BOW DOWN TO QUEEN ERIOLA AND HER AMAZING BREASTS.

*ahem* sorry for the digression. I find writing difficult, as it requires me to actually pay attention to something for more than OOOO SHINY.

Anyways. In order for Teh Babiez to become Teh Kingz, I'd have to kill 1)Beaubie's father. 2)Beaubie's mother (just for fun, really. That bitch really rubs me the wrong way. Unlike her son who rubbed me the right way. Hence the giant pregnant belly.) 3) The two older Abernathy boys. 4)Probably the seven remaining Barons.

So, if the Abernathies could somehow align with the Remilliards. (Spelling?) and wrest control of the crown, then only about eleven people would stand between Teh Babiez and the crown. Plus, you know, entire armies and all. But Xandessa could fight them off.

Anyways. Hagglund decided to leave port immediately, and recalled all of his sailors back to the ship, which meant I got to hug Smitty goodbye. That 160-year-old man is the best sex I've ever had. And I have a lot to compare him to. I was sorely disappointed when he gave me no tokens of his esteem. Cheap jerk.

We went into the town, got some supplies for the two-day walk to Kardia City. Ali got bumped into by a minor official who tried to take my damned puppies away. He wanted Lucretzia for his daughter. Bastard. I think that had I not persuaded him not to take the puppy I would have killed him. Well, what would have happened is that I would have *tried* to kill him, and then Xandessa would have finished the job. Probably by just glaring at him. I think she sharpens her glare every morning while sharpening her weapon. It scares the shit out of me.

We spent the night in the town of Red Leaf, at the Red Leaf Inn. When we arrived in the town, we encountered an ADORABLE little waif/urchin/stable boy/child. I gave him a mark, because he was so dern cute and enterprising. He told us of how Kameron died in battle, and his entire family was killed by a tragic fire. The fire destroyed entire parts of the town and killed hundreds of people. Gossip in the tavern revealed many theories, ranging from a plague fire gone out of control, to magic lightening being hurled down from the sky. My money's on magic lightening, personally. Word on Hobson is that "he's so dreeeaamy!" "He's really helping the common man!" "He's a maverick, a straight shooter, and a real man's man." "I'd like to sit down and have an ale with him!" the usual crap about someone who is really evil on the inside but the common people don't know it yet.

Anyways. We got two rooms, one for the Ladies and one for the Gents. The room's were labeled by animal cutouts and colors, and Sedge refused to sleep in his room, because it was a red pig. He started spouting crap about an old lady and a red pig, but wouldn't give us the damned details. So Horace got the room to himself and Sedge slept in the common room.

Xandi, Ali, and I had a hair-brushing party. And discovered that we are a Triumvirate of Sleaze: Whorin', Killin', and Stealin'. It's AWESOME.

We left the next morning, having gotten baths and our clothes cleaned and a night not on a damned rocking boat with a smelly 160-year-old sailor wheezing next to you. Yay. When we were about five miles from the city, we encountered A LINE. A giant, horrifically large line of human mass. The people were flocking to the city for the funeral procession of Kameron. The line wasn't moving, and we didn't see a good way to line jump, although I liked Ali's "PLAGUE! PLAGUE!" idea. But last time I tried to incite riot due to the plague it kind of fizzled.

Luckily, pushing it's way through the crowd was a carriage pulled by six white horses with the Larosian crest. I quickly reached into my secret pocket (Not my vagina, you sicko) and put on my Abernathy signet ring, but turned it so that the crest was facing into my palm, so it would look like I was hiding it. Horace did some magical hoopity joopity, and the horses stumbled. When the carriage paused and a lovely face looked out the window, I conspiciously fainted, complete with "THE BABIES! WHAT ABOUT THE BABIES?". Damn, I'm good sometimes. The lady in the carriage, [name?], asked what was wrong, and I made sure she noticed my Abernathy ring. Horace told the lady that I needed to get out of the line and into the city as soon as possible, using his Important Doctor Voice. She invited me into the carriage, and the others rode behind. YES! Bingo! Into the city we go!

Lesson learned today: Puppies can solve many problems, and make for a good distraction.

Mon, Oct. 29th, 2007, 12:15 pm

Dear Diary,
sorry I haven't had the time to write lately, my diary has been "detained" along with my other belongings. So I'm writing this in makeup on the inside of my dress. I have a feeling that when Ali wakes up, she's going to give me a dirty look. Or make a snarky comment. Or both. She's a fan of dirty looks and snarky comments, that one.

We're finally back in Kardia! No one in Team Adventures of Awesome (my new name for the team... I think Xandi [ed. note: The "i" in "Xandi" has been dotted with a heart.] will like Team Adventures of Awesome as a group name.) has really had much time to celebrate being back in Kardia, though. We're currently inprisoned.

We crossed through the Super Secret Awesome Mountain Pass, saw old goat-hermit-alcoholic-mystic dude, and came to a fort at the end of the pass. We decided to lie our way into Kardia. Which usually works so damned well. But it didn't. We got interviewed by some people, then Lord Roach [ed. note: The editor of this diary has given up on spelling corrections, due to their quantity.]\ talked to us some, and he decided we were lying. Ali forged a letter, but she forged it not so well, and forgot to age it. So we are being "detained".

I got "lemon" cake. It was yellow. And cakey. I like Kardia. The desert had no cake.

Sedge, because he threw a rock in the mud, decided to pretend to be a deaf-mute, and stuffed his ears with wax and quit talking. He is a very dumb mute. Lord Roach doesn't like Sedge, because Sedge looked at him at all mean: it was kind of funny, Sedge was sitting there thwacking his glove against his hand and glaring at Lord Roach, aka Lord Douche. As we were being escorted to our rooms (aka cells, but a little nicer), Lord Douche started being a Cock. According to Horace, Lord Douche attacked Sedge with a stick in the back of the knee. Sedge pretended to fall, bringing all of his (tremendous) weight down on Douche's foot. This is not going to end well for Sedge.

So now Sedge is on trial, Douche might die of a broken foot, and it's a lord's word against Sedge's, which means Sedges word isn't any good. Not that Sedge has words anyways, he's a freakin' mute right now.

Lord Rain is another lord posted to this fort. He's nice, but completely and utterly useless. We told him we were on a quest, and he said he'd help. So far, he's... not helped. We asked him to get us the hell out of the fort, which he can't do. And even if he could, he said we'd have to leave Sedge behind. I am not leaving my ex-husband behind! Then we asked Rain to get us our bags: there was some incriminating evidence in there, such as magical items and weird shit we've picked up from the desert. Rains was unable to do so. ALthough he slipped a note in to us via cake: I like that kind of style. Messages delivered via cake are always better. Although I've gotta say, swords delivered via cake would be a lot more useful.

Then Hobson contacted us via Dream Sequence. I have no idea who Hobson is, although everyone else seems to dislike him a great deal. I'm a bit of a follower, so I think I'll hate him too. ALthough he seemed pretty nice when I met him via the Dream. He wants to know what we're doing in Kardia, why we have magic links, etc.

So that's it for now. I think I'm going to see if the guards will bring me more cake.

Tue, Oct. 2nd, 2007, 01:49 pm

Sooooo... it turns out Sedgewick has given me a freakin' evil STD. Now, for those of you who are unaware, STD is a term I coined for all of the sores, scrabs, and creepy crawlies that I am convinced might possibly maybe sort of be the result of some of the sex I've been having. STD stands for So Totally Dreadful, because that's what one of my clients called my vagoo upon seeing it after some particularly creepy crawlers made a home. But enough about me!

We left the citadel and headed for the mountain pass. OH! I forgot to mention! Miri freakin' QUIT! She left to go get the camp, and when Garreth arrived, he had a message from Miri. In it was her COLLAR! OMG she just took it off and sent it back. If that's not a clear sign of no longer being friends, I don't know what is. These collars are like friendship bracelets, except combined with walkie-talkies. I mean, er, some sort of wireless communication device which enables people to speak with one another via. Via THEIR MINDS! And Miri returned it. I opened the letter and read it, although it was only addressed to Ali (Shhh, don't tell her.) I figured Ali might not want us to make her read it, since she sometimes has trouble reading, and all. I did it to save her pride! Oh, the things I do for friendship! Anyways, Miri said something about her brother and having to save him or reconcile with him, or some lame-ass excuse as to why she's abandoneded her Quest Of The Gods. So we were all sad because hey! no more Miri!

Sad news, though, dearest diary. I left Lucky behind with the refugees when we went to rescue Horace. I figured that Lucky would be safer with them than with me. So when the refugees went on to the camp, they took Lucky with them, and Garreth, the big meanie jerk he is, neglected to take Lucky with him to meet us. I was going to go to the camp to get him, but there was a battalion of bad guys roaming the woods, and I couldn't risk it. I miss Lucky so much. Garreth said that Lucky found a girlfriend, and there will be baby puppies! [editor's note: as opposed to adult puppies] and I'm going to love them all. I'm already picking out puppy names. My twins can each have a puppy, and the rest will be my baby puppies. But I miss Lucky. But he should be with his girlfriend. I grew up without a father, and I think that Lucky's puppies deserve to have a male dog figure in their lives.

So we started for the mountain pass, led by Garreth, who is pretty hot. Although, to be honest, I just haven't felt that spark with anyone ever since the untimely demise of Dead Guy #3. I think we had something really special. I think about him every day, and the life we could have built together. *Sniff* I'll always love you, Dead Guy #3. We were sneaking quite sneakily... actually, I shouldn't lie. Not to YOU, diary. Other people, hell yes, I'll lie all of the freakin' time, but you, dear diary, I'll be honest with... I started to sneak, but I failed at that pretty miserably. Ali tried to tactfully tell me to stay behind, but even though she was trying to use tact, I understood. I was not being so sneaky, I stepped on some tree branches, and then I stubbed my toe and yelled "OW" really loud. So Xandessa and Ali snuck.
They came across some hermit weird guy, yada yada yada. He was dead to the world, okay not really actually dead, Xandessa hadn't killed him yet, he just was sleeping really hard. So we snuck everyone by him, but then he went to pee off of the cliff (man, I wish I were a man, I'd pee outside ALL OF THE TIME and do cool stuff like pee off of cliffs. It's not fair!) and then he kind of sort of noticed the large group of people on the pass trying to sneak by him, so he started to fall off of the cliff, but Ali (and don't tell her I said this, diary. I won't lie to you, but that means you've got to keep my secrets, okay) Ali was super-fast and super-agile and super-awesome (seriously, if you tell her I said that, I'll slit your.. pages... and throw you in a fire and then I'll find a bottomless pit and throw your ashes down that.) and kept the guy from falling off of the cliff, although that kind of scared the crap out of him. Not literally scared the crap out of him. He just wet his pants. And then shook Ali's hand. Haha, she got pee on her hands.

Anyways. In exchange for some alchol (yay for enabling!) he told us our fortunes. Everyone else's was boring. He made Horace go milk a goat. Which I was pretty sure meant he was just trying to get Horace away from the rest of the group, so he could draw us in closer, and then quietly inform us that we would need to kill Horace. Maybe he'd tell us a secret for disposing of the Silk Lady. I was very disappointed when he didn't do that. He sent Sedge to go help Horace milk the goat. Then he told my fortune.

He said I was beautiful and would live forever. And even though I am one of the most beautiful people on Lannet, I could tell he was lying. I could see it in his eyes. He was definitely lying about living forever. So I traded him one of my last bottles of Generic Hard Alcohol that I filched from that bartender back in that desert city. Remember that, diary? I had to have sex with that guy AND bribe him to get alcohol, because alcohol wasn't allowed to be sold without food? And then I went and had that drinking contest with Sedge? Anywho, I had two bottles left, and I traded one whole bottle for him to tell me my real fortune.

I'm kind of wishing I hadn't. He told me "You are death's lover". And that my children would bring about something horrible, yada yada yada. Not things a mother wants to hear about her children. I mean, he was saying some horrible things. So I asked him if I should kill the babies. Luckily for him, he said no. I only asked because if he said yes, I would have to kill him. Nobody tells me to abort my babies! Except Ali, when she's making jokes.
Old Hermit Dude rolled some more dice, and then made me a mold for a BRAND. He said I should brand the babies "ere their first breath" and it would seal the evil inside of them. Oh. My. Goddess. NO FREAKIN' WAY. THIS IS INSANE!

When Sedge got back from milking the goat, I showed him the brand. And when holding it up, I realized it was mightily similar to the tattoo over his eye. And then I remembered that the Old Hermit Dude called Sedgewick "Death". So I slapped his bastard face and hit him some, and now I am very, very pissed off. Did he know that he was infecting me with the evil contained within his tattoo? And it's not ME he infected, its THE BABIES. And Sedge said he'd been having dreams about it, and having dreams about my babies being Extremely Evil. WHAT. THE. FRICK. When Sedgewick has bad dreams and sees vision, and a crazy Old Hermit Dude predicts my babies are evil, I take notice.

As a result, I have decided that I am now celibate. I had lots and lots of sex to help quicken the babies, but then I got selfish and had sex just for the fun of it. And the Goddess is punishing me for not thinking of my babies first! But why is she taking it out on the babies? Oh, what have I done? Oh, how the hell am I going to not have sex until the babies are born!?

Sun, Sep. 23rd, 2007, 09:31 pm
Hrmm, its been almost a week so I've forgotten some things.

Dearest Diary,
Only you can understand my emo-goth-teen pain and angst! Oh, the horror.
No, I'm just kidding you. Today went pretty well. Except for the mercy-killings. That, I could have done without.

Sedge and I went and looked around, looking for Eeeevil (now deceased) Dude's Eeeevil Hideout. We searched pretty good. Ali wouldn't let us light shit on fire. Had she let us light shit on fire, I think we could have found more. Xandessa did a lot of loud sighing. She does that a lot, though. I think it's her way of trying not to kill me. Sedge and I had sex in Evil Dude's bedroom. Sedge mentioned a loose rock on the floor. I kicked it. Turns out it was a hidey-hole. But nothing good in there. Just a stupid ugly bracelet and some boring papers written in some sort of code. Ali was a bitch and wouldn't let us try on the bracelet. God, she is such a bitch.

Speaking of mean bitches, Ali now has the Silk Lady in her head. Yeah. I can't tell who's bitchier. Or who has tried to kill me more often.

I also cleaned up the citadel, some. Got Sedge to go down to the river and fill the cisterns so I could clean out the Unhuman Creepy Minion's lair. If I ever get evil (more evil, I mean) and decide to create human-wolf hybrids to do my evil bidding, I am totally going to make sure they are potty-trained. Potty-training is the first things I'm going to teach the babies. No diapers for my babies! Boy oh boy, I just can't wait to be a mommy.

Oh yeah. Ali says that the Silk Lady says that Horace is dying. Boy, that sucks. I kind of got uncustomed accosted accusted accused accusted used to his greasy bald head.

Oops, gotta go, I think I saw something shiny. I love shinies!

Fri, Sep. 14th, 2007, 01:38 pm
Please post corrections, inaccuracies, and spelling mistakes in comments!


Dear Diary,

Today was a pretty interesting day. We kept following Evil Villain Khaelaris (sp?) to his Evil, But Not Very Well Defended Citadel. We had to rescue the party's token Damsel In Distress, Horace (sp?) When we got to the citadel, we found it was, of course, poorly defended. So Ali snuck up the side cliff with her super-awesome climbing skills and discovered that in the courtyard of the citadel were this... creature-dude-thingies. Whatever. They were, like, animal-like, or something. While Ali and Xandessa were up climbing walls, Miri, Sedge and I had to stay behind. I would have gone scouting with Ali and Xandessa, except Ali was polite enough to politely remind me that I have two babies traveling along with me. Bored, Sedge and I went into the bushes to have sex. Sex is such a great cure for boredom. I even made two sovereigns off of it! I am going to be such a good mother, I always know how to find ways to make money. After we were done with that (which, btw, was so-so, which is awesome because the last couple times I boinked it SUCKED!) Sedge got all weird and was looking at me all freaked out. Probably because I'm so awesome in bed. Or, in this case, bush.
Xandessa somehow thought that the best way to get crappy climbers Sedge and Miri up the walls was through a pulley system that would somehow throw them up the wall. But then Horace contacted us via MindLink(tm) and started screaming some crap about ritual circles and evil villains about to kill him. Or something. God, Horace is such a baby. Sedge and Miri decided to storm the citadel via the front door. I decided that was a stupid idea, and climbed up the wall after Xandessa and Ali. Because I am one fast mother-fu... er... f**king mother. (I can't swear, the babies might hear...)

Once we got to the top, we noticed this freaking... thing floating in the air... it was like a bat, only white. And weirder. It was out of throw knife range, but I decided to train my spare crossbow (looted off a body earlier in the day. Damn, I love looting me some bodies.) on the Creepy White Floating Thing. Ali did some magic-y mumbo jumbo and started "pulling" it towards her.
Meanwhile, Sedge and Miri were kicking ass at the drawbridge.
Horace kept whining/screaming in terror about Khaelaris trying to take his skin. He said that the Silk Lady, (the evil entity residing in his head... craaaazy!) said that she could help him perform some spells or something, but Horace was quickly running out of strength. Horace asked Sedge (via MindLink(tm)) for some fortitude. But the thing was, Sedge kind of needed all of his fortitude, as he was currently fighting Hoards of Evil Animalistic Henchmen. I kind of like Sedge, and it would suck for our party if he were to die, so I *sigh* told Horace he could take some of my fortitude. I double checked to make sure it wouldn't hurt the babies. Horace said the Silk Lady said the babies wouldn't be touched. *ugh* I hate having the Silk Lady anywhere near me. I really wish there was some way to trap Horace in a cage somewhere and make the Silk Lady stay trapped in his mind.
Anyways, long story somewhat less long: I have to stay at the top of the wall (and miss out on fun fighting.... grrr...) because I have no freakin' fortitude left. Sedge still gets some fortitude sucked outta him, but he keeps fighting with Miri. In the end, Sedge takes out the drawbridge, which means hoards of Animalistic Henchmen go flying into a not-bottomless chasm, which was pretty cool. Horace and Silk Lady do mumbo jumbo spells, it don't work so well. Xandessa kicks some ass (I love her. In a not-platonic way.) and makes it to Khalaris' chamber just in time to see Horace's skin come rippling off. Xandessa chops off Khaelaris' head. Which, btw, was so cool sounding. I wish I had been there to see it. Stupid Horace with his stupid spells.

Of course, killing Khaelaris doesn't stop the spell, so Horace's skin keeps rippling off. So not cool. Between my awesome anatomy skills (my husband was once a doctor, you know. Er... my first husband. The one I'm still sort of married to. But we're in a different country, so we're not married right now. I think that's how the law works...) and Xandessa's super awesome sewing skills, we stitch Horace's skin.. on... ish... Ummm.. Yeah. Except its still seperated from his body. Like... ew.

Horace is also apparently still keeping alive the flayed girl, so I need to find her and kill her quickly so it doesn't keep draining from Horace. Tomorrow or the next day, the bird should lay an egg, and we can use that to heal Horace. I'm pissy because I want one freakin' egg for Beaubie, and we just keep using them to save people. Is it too much to ask to build up a stockpile of eggs? Every time we get an egg, somebody has to go and almost die.

Oh well. So that's where we are when I stopped to update my journal. I'm still thinking about Dead Guy #3 and his cute face. We could have built a life together. I don't know what I'm going to do about Beaubie. I need an egg to heal him, but what if it doesn't work? I'm to beautiful to be tied down to one brain-dead man the rest of my life. Especially in that bizarro land Abernay. Goddess. That family is screwed up. If I go back to give the egg to Beaubie, and it doesn't work, what will I do? What if crazy mother-in-law makes me stay, and give her the babies? UH, no, I saw your two oldest sons, you crazy wench. You're not doing that to my kids.

Ugh. Gotta go find a skinless girl and slit her throat. And probably mercy-kill any other skinless people I find as well. This sucks. No skin means no clothes means no pockets means nothing to loot. Sigh.

Thu, Sep. 13th, 2007, 12:10 pm

Dear Diary,

Today was a pretty interesting day. We kept following Evil Villain Khaelaris (sp?) to his Evil, But Not Very Well Defended Citadel. We had to rescue the party's token Damsel In Distress, Horace (sp?) When we got to the citadel, we found it was, of course, poorly defended. So Ali snuck up the side cliff with her super-awesome climbing skills...

I'll update more later.