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Mon, Jun. 9th, 2008, 03:49 pm
My Life?

My Dearest Diary Who Is A Constant Companion And Never Makes Snarky Remarks Like Certain People Whose Names Start With A and X Yeah That's Right Xandessa I Know You Make Snarky Remarks Sometimes Don't Play All Innocent Miss I'm On My Deathbed and Mortally Wounded....

So, the bridge collapsed. Yeah, that was kind of a given, I'm surprised it didn't collapse sooner. We managed to save the king- when I say "we", I really mean... all of us. We all played a part in saving his life and hopefully saving other, innocent lives. Sedgewick kicked ass. Literally and figuratively. Horace didn't die, which was very impressive. Good for Horace! Xandessa stood on the bridge and fought like nine hundred black knights, all on her own. Ali jumped onto the bridge to protect the king from the black knights.

When I realized that they were going to flood the canal and wash away the bridge, my first thought was to run. Run away as far as possible- there are two innocent lives inside of me, I can't risk them. What could I, a tiny little pregnant woman with very few combat skills, do to save all of these people who were going to die? Nothing I could do would make a difference, so I might as well save my own ass, and the babies. Plus, if every member of Team Awesome died, then there would be no one to continue our God Quest and bring magic back to Lannet. So I wasn't being selfish by running away, I was trying to help the whole world!!

As I was trying to run like hell, I encountered Gareth Golden-Eye and his men! They were chasing BEAST MEN. Friggin' beast men. They were everywhere. So I somehow gathered up a small bandit of men standing around me, and we battled the beast men. Then I saw the King fall into the water. Stupidly, I dove in after him. Yeah. Six months pregnant, and I dove into the river to drag out the King of Kardia.

Unfortunately, the stupid king was being strangled by a black knight. F*cker wouldn't let go, either. As I arrive at the King, Ali jumped in off the bridge, after the moronic monarch. Somehow, in the dark and murky water, she handed me something, which I then jammed into the eyepiece of the black knight. If his balls weren't armored, I would have just kicked those. I like to go for the balls. In love and war.

Ali and I dragged the king back to shore. Everything else that happened was a complete blur. Some agents of the Church took the king to safety. I remember seeing Sedge fighting beast men and I tried to head over there to help. I heard a rumor from some of the men fighting alongside me that Sedge actually drank the blood of one of the Black Knights. I hope that's just a rumor, but lately Sedge has been acting so weird, it could be true for all I know. Although later he was licking this dark ichor off his hand that he said was Black Knight blood. Horace wouldn't let me try any. Party pooper. What's the worse that could happen?

Somehow we all ended up back at a Church of the Mother. Lady Gilvernese was there, as was her husband. It's a miracle they survived the collapse of the bridge and the bloodbath that followed. Xandessa was VERY badly hurt. Lord Gilvernese himself worked on her, and Horace did some magical hoopity-joo so that I could assist him. I was a doctor for a few hours!

I gave put my bracelet on the king, because one of the church people said that he had been poisoned. My arm started to tingle soon after, which got me pretty concerned. Horace lied to me and gave me a fake bracelet, and then he actually treated me for poisoning. The king disappeared, he had my bracelet on him, and I AM PISSED. MY DAMNED BRACELET WAS ON HIS DAMNED WRIST. MOTHERF*CKING MONARCH! ASSHOLES!

Okay, wow a lot happened. Long story short, the Lady Gilvernese has been telling people the king died, but he's not dead, he's just gravely injured. Hobson has Beaubie held captive! Beaubie's father is dead, as well as his older two brothers, which makes him the new Baron of Abernay. I'm a baroness!!!! Me, lowly born, daughter of a lousy cobber, Eriola Jade, is now Baroness of Abernay! Okay, I'm not offically baroness YET, we still have to be married, but SWEET.

I outrank Ali.

Oh! Then Hobson sent an emissary to meet with us. We left the church, sans Xandessa who is currently lying on her deathbed, being all wounded and shit We met with a relative of Lord Cock Roche, who is a cock (see what I did there?) Anyways. He was very polite and nice, and Hobson gave us all kinds of nice things. Pardons for the crimes which landed us in Xarltalca (not that I *really* did anything wrong, it was totally a crime of passion! I had a lousy lawyer.) , papers of comission for some of us, and an annulment and approved betrothal for me.

I suppose I should explain to you, Dear Diary Who Does Not Mock Me, why I need an annulment. Oh My, Eriola, you say, How Could One As Young and Virginal As You Have Been Married? Well, Dear Diary, I was married very, very young. To a wonderful man named Dalton Snall. He was a few years older than me (about twenty) and he was studying in Kardia City to be a doctor. I ran into him on the street and "accidentally" dropped the parcel I was carrying, and he helped me pick it up. We fell immediately in love, and were married a few days later in a small, private ceremony. Soon after, Dalton finished up his apprenticeship, and we moved to a very small town in Vernay. We were SO happy! I'd do the chores all day and cook and bake, while he tended to the ills in the small town. Oh, it was so idyllic and we were so in love and so very happy.
Then a few days passed, and it started to suck. Seriously, Dear Diary, living in a small town in the middle of nowhere BLOWS. First of all, unlike in the city where a woman can remain anonymous, it was VERY difficult to conduct my.. er... daytime affairs without Dalton's knowledge. I cannot tell you, Dear Diary, how many times I turned down sex because the only place to do it was in the woods. With all the animals watching!! The town was so small that I soon ran out of men to conduct dalliances with. I quickly grew bored.
Dalton, on the other hand, LOVED the wildnerness. Loved it a little too much. He began working on what he called his masterpiece, a list of ways for one to live a good and honest life. It hurt a little when I saw he had made a list called "what went wrong with Eriola". He began spending more and more time in the woods, and talking about Farawayia. There was an... incident.. where Dalton may have seen a man slipping away from the house after intercourse. Things kind of went downhill from there. Dalton decided that in order to better write his Snallish Principles, he had to live in the woods.. way out in the woods. And he decided that I should go with him. Asshole packed up my shit for me. So I went with him, and it SUCKED. Even more than the town. While there were very few things that were interested in town, there was NOTHING interesting in the damned woods. And Dalton just expected me to take care of him, cooking and cleaning and trying to keep house in a damned tent in the middle of a forest, so he could work on his stupid cult book.

So, Dear Diary, you understand why I did what I had to do. When Dalton went out on one of his "spiritual quests" to go bugger trees or whatever, I packed up my stuff (and most of his stuff) and left him a note saying "Kidnapped by pirates, be back later". And that was the last I ever saw of Dalton Snall.

I guess I just assumed he died out there. When people leave my life, I prefer to think of them as dead, it makes goodbyes easier. But it turns out that he's not dead, somehow, and apparently, I was still legally married to him. To think, all this time, I've been an adulteress. It would have been more fun if I had *known* I was cheating on my husband. Damn it.

So Hobson issued an annulment, which means I am no longer officially married! And approval of the betrothal, signed by the former baron and baroness of Abernay.

The weird part was, Hobson said we didn't need to give him anything in return. Of course, his signature is on every paper, which means that as long as he remains in power, the signature remains good. Very smart of him.

That's it for now, Dear Diary, for I grow hungry for Yellow Cake. Perhaps I shall write later of my Horrible Conundrum which is plaguing me. I must determine the path that my future will take. right now, the path is to Yellow Cake!