Sooooo... it turns out Sedgewick has given me a freakin' evil STD. Now, for those of you who are unaware, STD is a term I coined for all of the sores, scrabs, and creepy crawlies that I am convinced might possibly maybe sort of be the result of some of the sex I've been having. STD stands for So Totally Dreadful, because that's what one of my clients called my vagoo upon seeing it after some particularly creepy crawlers made a home. But enough about me!
We left the citadel and headed for the mountain pass. OH! I forgot to mention! Miri freakin' QUIT! She left to go get the camp, and when Garreth arrived, he had a message from Miri. In it was her COLLAR! OMG she just took it off and sent it back. If that's not a clear sign of no longer being friends, I don't know what is. These collars are like friendship bracelets, except combined with walkie-talkies. I mean, er, some sort of wireless communication device which enables people to speak with one another via. Via THEIR MINDS! And Miri returned it. I opened the letter and read it, although it was only addressed to Ali (Shhh, don't tell her.) I figured Ali might not want us to make her read it, since she sometimes has trouble reading, and all. I did it to save her pride! Oh, the things I do for friendship! Anyways, Miri said something about her brother and having to save him or reconcile with him, or some lame-ass excuse as to why she's abandoneded her Quest Of The Gods. So we were all sad because hey! no more Miri!
Sad news, though, dearest diary. I left Lucky behind with the refugees when we went to rescue Horace. I figured that Lucky would be safer with them than with me. So when the refugees went on to the camp, they took Lucky with them, and Garreth, the big meanie jerk he is, neglected to take Lucky with him to meet us. I was going to go to the camp to get him, but there was a battalion of bad guys roaming the woods, and I couldn't risk it. I miss Lucky so much. Garreth said that Lucky found a girlfriend, and there will be baby puppies! [editor's note: as opposed to adult puppies] and I'm going to love them all. I'm already picking out puppy names. My twins can each have a puppy, and the rest will be my baby puppies. But I miss Lucky. But he should be with his girlfriend. I grew up without a father, and I think that Lucky's puppies deserve to have a male dog figure in their lives.
So we started for the mountain pass, led by Garreth, who is pretty hot. Although, to be honest, I just haven't felt that spark with anyone ever since the untimely demise of Dead Guy #3. I think we had something really special. I think about him every day, and the life we could have built together. *Sniff* I'll always love you, Dead Guy #3. We were sneaking quite sneakily... actually, I shouldn't lie. Not to YOU, diary. Other people, hell yes, I'll lie all of the freakin' time, but you, dear diary, I'll be honest with... I started to sneak, but I failed at that pretty miserably. Ali tried to tactfully tell me to stay behind, but even though she was trying to use tact, I understood. I was not being so sneaky, I stepped on some tree branches, and then I stubbed my toe and yelled "OW" really loud. So Xandessa and Ali snuck.
They came across some hermit weird guy, yada yada yada. He was dead to the world, okay not really actually dead, Xandessa hadn't killed him yet, he just was sleeping really hard. So we snuck everyone by him, but then he went to pee off of the cliff (man, I wish I were a man, I'd pee outside ALL OF THE TIME and do cool stuff like pee off of cliffs. It's not fair!) and then he kind of sort of noticed the large group of people on the pass trying to sneak by him, so he started to fall off of the cliff, but Ali (and don't tell her I said this, diary. I won't lie to you, but that means you've got to keep my secrets, okay) Ali was super-fast and super-agile and super-awesome (seriously, if you tell her I said that, I'll slit your.. pages... and throw you in a fire and then I'll find a bottomless pit and throw your ashes down that.) and kept the guy from falling off of the cliff, although that kind of scared the crap out of him. Not literally scared the crap out of him. He just wet his pants. And then shook Ali's hand. Haha, she got pee on her hands.
Anyways. In exchange for some alchol (yay for enabling!) he told us our fortunes. Everyone else's was boring. He made Horace go milk a goat. Which I was pretty sure meant he was just trying to get Horace away from the rest of the group, so he could draw us in closer, and then quietly inform us that we would need to kill Horace. Maybe he'd tell us a secret for disposing of the Silk Lady. I was very disappointed when he didn't do that. He sent Sedge to go help Horace milk the goat. Then he told my fortune.
He said I was beautiful and would live forever. And even though I am one of the most beautiful people on Lannet, I could tell he was lying. I could see it in his eyes. He was definitely lying about living forever. So I traded him one of my last bottles of Generic Hard Alcohol that I filched from that bartender back in that desert city. Remember that, diary? I had to have sex with that guy AND bribe him to get alcohol, because alcohol wasn't allowed to be sold without food? And then I went and had that drinking contest with Sedge? Anywho, I had two bottles left, and I traded one whole bottle for him to tell me my real fortune.
I'm kind of wishing I hadn't. He told me "You are death's lover". And that my children would bring about something horrible, yada yada yada. Not things a mother wants to hear about her children. I mean, he was saying some horrible things. So I asked him if I should kill the babies. Luckily for him, he said no. I only asked because if he said yes, I would have to kill him. Nobody tells me to abort my babies! Except Ali, when she's making jokes.
Old Hermit Dude rolled some more dice, and then made me a mold for a BRAND. He said I should brand the babies "ere their first breath" and it would seal the evil inside of them. Oh. My. Goddess. NO FREAKIN' WAY. THIS IS INSANE!
When Sedge got back from milking the goat, I showed him the brand. And when holding it up, I realized it was mightily similar to the tattoo over his eye. And then I remembered that the Old Hermit Dude called Sedgewick "Death". So I slapped his bastard face and hit him some, and now I am very, very pissed off. Did he know that he was infecting me with the evil contained within his tattoo? And it's not ME he infected, its THE BABIES. And Sedge said he'd been having dreams about it, and having dreams about my babies being Extremely Evil. WHAT. THE. FRICK. When Sedgewick has bad dreams and sees vision, and a crazy Old Hermit Dude predicts my babies are evil, I take notice.
As a result, I have decided that I am now celibate. I had lots and lots of sex to help quicken the babies, but then I got selfish and had sex just for the fun of it. And the Goddess is punishing me for not thinking of my babies first! But why is she taking it out on the babies? Oh, what have I done? Oh, how the hell am I going to not have sex until the babies are born!?